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15 Ways to Spice Up the Impeachment Trial

(SPOT.ph) But the question is: Who else appreciates this much-touted afternoon telenovela/soap opera/ sitcom? The media? People whose toes curl upon hearing the words “purport,” “impugn,” “moto propio,” “manifest,” and “ad testificandum?” The senator-judges always like to say that this impeachment is for the Filipino people. Fuckit. I am a tax-paying member of the Philippine populace and I do not deserve to be bored. Here is a list of suggestions to liven up the impeachment, which, by the way, is funded in part by you and me, much to my endless annoyance.

1. PUT SUBTITLES

With his overwrought sentences, love of polysyllabic words, and sheer inability to express himself in plain and simple English, Justice Serafin Cuevas might as well be speaking Swahili. The solution: subtitles—for the benefit of the rest of us who do not understand legal gobbledygook. For instance, when he says, “Your honor (or if based on his actual phonetics “Yer hener”), if I may make a simple manifestation to this honorable court, your honor…” why not condense 16 tedious words into one punchy expression: “Yo.”

2. TRANSFORM THE DEBATE INTO RAP

Think Fliptop or Slam poetry or epic rap battles. I.e.

CUEVAS: “Yo, check it … Congressman Tupas/ Makinig ka, batang Hudas/ Nagtuturo na ako ng batas/ Habang lola mo’y umiinom pa ng gatas/ Nung pinanganak nanay mo ab initio/ Consti na ang aking bisyo/ Kaya ipasak na up your rectum/ Yang subpoena duces tecum.”

TUPAS:  “Hoy, Justice Cuevas/ Malapit ka nang kumupas/ Dakdak ka na lang parate/ Pero amoy ka nang bulate/ Batas nga ang iyong buhay/ Pero tinatawag ka na ng hukay.”

3.  MORE AIRTIME FOR ATTY. KAREN JIMENO

Even if she has recently broken many a heart by revealing to the media that she got married to her American investment banker fiancé. In a gallery mostly populated by faces that look like they emerged from a swampland, Atty. Jimeno is a refreshing visual respite. Or if Jimeno would not suffice…

4.  HIRE MORE CUTE LAWYERS AND SPOKESPERSONS

Filipinos are an extremely visual race. Yes, it is easy to impute undue virtues to the cute, as the humorist PJ O’Rourke once quipped. But between Rep. Neptali Gonzales II and a lady who looks like a model straight out of a Koreanovela, which one is more pleasant to the retina?

5. ALWAYS AGITATE MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO

As Marikina Rep. Miro Quimbo once said in an interview: “We want her here. She increases the viewership by ten times.” Because when her blood pressure shoots up, she becomes viciously lyrical, spewing invectives worthy of Shakespeare. TV network executives should convince members of the prosecution panel to deliberately display the levels of incompetence and inefficiency that rankle Miriam. Oh, what’s that? They already do? Okay. But, more please.

6. TEXT VOTING

Since modern entertainment media has placed so much premium on audience interaction and everyone says the impeachment trial should be for public benefit, why not place the fate of the trial in their hands?

7. TURN THE TRIAL INTO A REALITY GAME SHOW

Based on text voting, make all characters subject to elimination via MMS. Text PRO to 2866 to kick out Niel Tupas and Arthur Lim or DEF to 2866 to send Cuevas home. And since we’re on the subject of reality game shows, why not get rid of those middling senator-judges and simplify the whole thing and…

8. PUT THREE JUDGES  A LA AMERICAN IDOL

To comment on the individual polemical skills of lawyers. And the producers must make sure there’s a resident Simon Cowell bitch in the panel.  In for our purposes, there’s no better snark-purveyor other than…

Impeachment for Morons

Dear bayaw,

Alam kong dumudugo na ang ilong mo sa mga pinapanood mo sa Senado. Hirap na hirap ka na nga sa kapapaypay kahit naka-puting sando ka pa na umiiyak na ang bawat hibla dahil sa laki ng iyong tiyan (Beer pa, ‘tol!). Para tulungan kang maintindihan ang pinakamainit na sitcom ngayon, heto ang ilan sa mga salitang tila gumugulo sa iyong isipan at nagpapadugo ng iyong ilong. Marami pa ‘yan, bayaw. Pero sa ngayon, eto muna.

IMPEACHMENT—  Ang akusahan ang isang opisyal ng gobyerno na gumawa ng katarantaduhan. Pero alam ko, bayaw, ang sasabihin mo: “Eh, araw-araw naman ay may opisyal na gumagawa ng katarantaduhan, di ba?”

Pero saan ba nanggaling ang salitang “impeach?” Bakit, anong kinalaman ng prutas (na ginagamit sa isang dessert sa Jollibee) sa pag-uusig sa isang opisyal ng gobyerno? Eto ang sabi ng Google na dinala ang katangahan ko sa Random House dictionary interwebs: Bandang 1350–1400; Middle English empechen, enpeshen  < Anglo-French empecher  < Late Latin impedicāre  to fetter, trap, equivalent to Latin im- im-1  + pedic ( a ) a fetter (derivative of pēs foot) + -ā-  thematic vowel + -re  infinitive suffix.” Gets mo? Di ko rin naintindihan eh. Nag-cut-and-paste lang ako. Parang yung ginagawa ng bunso mo pag nagre-research sa assignment sa school.

SAL-N— Papel na naglalaman ng lahat ng ari-arian at halaga ng iyong pagkatao. Kumbaga, bayaw, kung SALN mo ito, idedeklara mo yung owner-type jeep mo, yung bidyoke na regalo ng utol mo na galing Saudi, yung higanteng speakers na made in Raon, at yung kabuohang halaga ng mga ari-arian mo pati na rin ang mga utang mo. Oo, bayaw, pati yung utang mo sa tindahan ni Aling Maring, kailangan mong ilista. Ay, nakalista na ba? Bayaran mo, ha.

PROSECUTION— Kung nakikinig ka sa radio, yung naririnig mong boses ay hindi boses ng tsiks kundi si Congressman Niel Tupas ng Iloilo. Boses girl lang talaga siya. (And speaking of tsiks, baka iwanan mo ang misis mo pag napanood mo si Karen Jimeno, isa sa mga spokesperson ng depensa). Karamihan sa mga congressmen-prosecutors ay mukhang may mga gatas pa sa labi— mukhang high school debate team nga daw, sabi ng iba.

Sila ang prosecution team. Sila ang mga nag-aakusa, ang mga nagsasabing may sala si Corona at dapat i-impeach

DEFENSE PANEL—Mga mamahaling abogado na ang tungkulin ay supalpalin ang mga akusasyon ng mga prosecutors at sa huli ay maipakitang walang-sala at inosente ang kanilang kliyente. Mas sosyalin at mas mukhang mamahalin ang mga Amerkanang suot kesa sa mga prosecutors. Sanay manghalukay at maghanap ng butas sa mga argumento ng mga congressmen. Kahit kulang ng period o comma.  

Sa kasong ito, mga beterano. Mahahaba ang mga CV (curriculum vitae o para mas maintindihan mo, “bio data”) kumpara sa mga prosecution. Eksampol: Si dating Justice Secretary Serafin Cuevas ay na-admit sa bar nung 1952. Si Niel Tupas ay naging abogado lang nung taong 1998.  At hindi lang yan. Di hamak na mas matindi ang hairdo ni Cuevas— para daw Beats by Dr. Dre sabi ng isang idol kong komedyante. Buti wala nang ganung problema si Congressman Barzaga ng Cavite.

PRESIDING JUDGE— Trabaho niya ang mambara sa mga tatanga-tangang congressman na masyadong bibo pero hindi naman pala handa. Kahit matanda na siya at kaunti na lang ang natitirang oras sa mundong ito, kailangan niyang tawagin ang mga senator-judges hindi sa pamamagitan ng kanilang mga pangalan ngunit “the gentleman from ______.” Kunwari, hindi puwedeng “Senator Joker Arroyo.” Dapat the gentleman from Makati and Bicol.  Sa kasong ito, si Juan Ponce Enrile, na sa edad na 87, ay matalas pa rin ang pag-iisip at matalim pa rin ang dila. Anong vitamins kaya ang iniinom ng mama? Para ba siyang si Dolphy? Na nandito pa rin kahit malapit nang magunaw ang mundo? Maauna pa ba tayo lahat kay Enrile at Dolphy?

SENATOR-JUDGES— Lahat ng nakakikita mong nakasuot na kulay pulang kurtina. Oo, kasama diyan si Lito Lapid. Binoto mo kasi eh.

SUBPOENA DECUS TECUM—Sa Tagalog: “Dalhin mo dito yang papel na yan kung hindi kalaboso ka, hayup ka.” Ang tindi talaga ng lingwaheng Latin, ano? Sa sobrang tindi nga, namatay siya.

POSTPONEMENT— “Bukas na lang po. Tanga kasi kami at hindi kami handa. Naghahanap pa kami ng ebidensya.” Kumbaga sa pingpong, huwag muna ituloy ang laro. Bukas na lang. Naiwan ko yung raketa ko.

ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT— Katalogo ng mga akusasyon. Sa kasong ito, walo. Pero kahit saan magsimula. Ano-ano ba itong mga ito?

Unang artikulo: ang pagtanggap daw ni Corona sa midnight appointment. Ano ba ang midnight appointment? Ang pagtanggap sa isang katungkulan na lagpas na sa nakatakdang panahon. Ang hindi pag-file ng SALN, betrayal of public trust, yada, yada…. D*asy9deqwhkjenakd*&ASDASJknaseq2e-210eqmadl;asmlkxnasjdbad as,x csf0p234i23qmwedaw;d,.as ca=0v8-spfvd.

Shet. Inantok ako. Nakatulog at sumadsad ang mukha sa keyboard.

COMPUTER-GENERATED— Sabi ni Congressman Barzaga (Oo, tol. Siya yung makinis ang bumbunan. Yung kamukha ni Minyong na gitarista ni Apeng Daldal. Balang araw magiging ganun din ako). “Computer-generated.” Para namang yung PC ang nag-imbento ng mga numero ng SALN ni Corona, di ba? Napaka-old school ng kanyang terminilohiya, ‘no?  Mas mabuti ata ang “scanned copies.”

ONE LONG MINUTE — Sa totoong buhay, mga fifteen to twenty minutes. Dahil sensitibo na ang mga pantog ng maraming senador at may mga problema na sa pag-jingle.

AUTHENTICATED— Para patunayan na ang isang dokumento ay hindi pinagawa sa Recto.

HOSTILE WITNESS— Saksi na medyo bad vibes.

CLERK OF COURT— Kung Supreme Court justice ka, sa Clerk of Court mo ibibigay ang SALN mo. Pero hindi siya basta-bastang clerk tulad ng mga nasa LTO o post office. Yung napanood mo last week, yung parang nahihiya na natatatakot pero medyo mayabang (Oo! Yung parang may bigote) ay abogado rin pala. Kaya pumapalag pa nang konti kay Drilon.  

Buti na lang nandiyan si Drilon, na sa galing ng pagtatanong ay naipalabas ang katotohanan na dala pala ng maangas na Clerk of Court na dala pala niya ang SALN ni Corona— hindi lang daw puwedeng ilabas dahil kailangan pa muna ng paalam mula sa kanyang boss. Dah. Kaya nga sabi ng defense ay parang tumutulong daw sa mga inutil na prosecutors. Pero huwag mo sasabihin yan sa harap niya. Baka magaya ka kay Tatad at masigawan ng “What’s your problem!?” Malaking tao si Drilon (Hawig niya na halos si Juana Change).  Mahirap na.

GRAVE ABUSE OF DISCRETION—Nangkukupal. Lalo na sa pagtatanong.

CONTEMPT OF COURT— Kinukupal mo ang korte. Puwede kang ikulong. Gago at bastos ka kasi. Bastos!

Lourd de Veyra’s Snappy Replies to Stupid Tweets

(SPOT.ph) Twitter, that great, swirling miasma of ridiculously accessible—and most of the time unnecessary and, even worse, annoying—information. Times are when you itch to fire a nasty retort to some stupid tweet, but that would be the nadir of diplomacy. It could mean a string of “un-follows” or worse, the end of friendships. But sometimes we can’t help but fantasize…

Disclaimer: What appear to be screenshots of the tweets that Lourd de Veyra has responded to contain only digitally manipulated artistic depictions of random human composites to stand in for Twitter users. Any perceived similarities with persons living or dead are purely coincidental and unintentional. The artistic manipulation was only done to mimic Twitter’s format.

The Year of Living Dangerously

(SPOT.ph) It’s the start of the New Year so here, in no particular order of importance or notoriety is the obligatory list of people and events that made 2011 a year we’d rather forget:

THE PRESIDENTIAL PORSCHE. Happened at the start of 2011. Oh, all the jokes and the puns involving the “Daang Matuwid” slogan. But in the face of P-Noy’s miserable romantic life which he had so lyrically compared to Coke Light first then to Zero, I say: bring back the damn Porsche.

THE DUTERTE FIST AND FINGER INCIDENT. The offspring of the so-called “Punisher” showed how local executives should deal with “erring” officials. If not with closed fists, then with an outstretched middle finger. Hey, we never ever mess with family traditions.

THE DOMINGUEZ CARNAP SYNDICATE. Thirty-one cases of carnapping and carjacking were reported in January 2011 alone, temporarily making Metro Manila a city full of paranoid car-owners. But it was not without reason: we saw a spate of brand spanking new SUVs vanishing right inside garages or swiped from hapless drivers at gunpoint. To make matters worse: images of burned corpses (whether or not they were carjack victims or two-timing syndicate members was immaterial — a burned corpse always sends the most terrifying of messages). For a time, car sales dipped. But it was a choice between that or dealing with asshole cabbies. And we’d surely want to douse them with kerosene.

THE JANJAN INCIDENT ON WILLING WILLIE. Since we have yet to become a Tivo society, this thing would not have blown up if someone didn’t post it on social networking sites. Lesson #1: the Internet does not clear away its dirty dishes.

THE “KILLER HIGHWAY.” They are not really accidents if the reason is stupidity. Intelligent people use the overpass. They do not play hopscotch with vehicles zooming at 100 kph—under the cloak of midnight. But beyond that, there was a string of ghastly accidents involving buses and motorcycles. For a time there, we said to ourselves: who needs the RH Bill and population control when you’ve got Commonwealth Avenue?

THE LIGOTS AND VALIUM. Especially Mrs. Erlinda, who demonstrated to the Senate blue ribbon committee and the rest of the world the limitless pleasures of diazepam. “Naka-Valium po ako” will forever resonate throughout the Senates hallowed history.  It would be on the same exalted plane as Hayden Kho’s “Super hawwwwt!” and Sen. Lito Lapid’s noble question in the RH Bill debate: “Bakit noong nagkaroon ng family planning, nagkakaroon ng triplets, four-plets?”

P-NOY CORONA TRADING BARBS. A showdown between the executive and the judiciary. It’s about time. Next we’d like to see: a real-life, honest-to-goodness royal rumble like what they do in South Korea and Taiwan. Maybe this county might finally get somewhere.

THE FLOODS. And speaking of medieval, nothing sweeps this country right back to the Dark Ages than a typhoon  for which we seem to remain perpetually unprepared. You could say that that scene in Calumpit, Bulacan—where residents waded in knee-deep water for weeks—has no place in a modern society. But then again, the same thing happened in Thailand and Australia, which are hardly Third World states. Climate Change does not discriminate, after all.  And if we believe the doomsday prophets, we’re all gonna die December this year.  Those blasted Mayans.

THE MITSUBISHOPS. Like a complex, overwrought detective novel with a singular antagonist, in a way, you could say that the majority of the controversies that haunted us in 2011 can be traced right back to GMA.  But now those wheels—massively run-down due to punishing provincial terrains—remain in the parking lot of the PCSO.  Oh, those poor, honest, but proud clerics. Which brings us to…

THE RH BILL DEBATES. In the face of a seemingly trenchant and less pliable populace, the Catholic Church was on the offensive, because offense is the best defense. Oh, how we miss Cardinal Sin. My friend the historian Xiao Chua was right when he said that at least when Sin was pontificating, the man always had a healthy sense of humor.  Though I don’t think Sin would have said, “There’s always Commonwealth Avenue.” And I don’t think Sin would have cautioned the faithful against giving Angry Birds toy items as Christmas gifts.

THE FALL OF THE TYRANTS. One by one, they fell. They who once upon a time seemed high and mighty and seemingly eternal. From the long-time dictators swept out by the so-called Arab Spring to Osama Bin Laden. Kim Jong Il not counted, because he had an immediate replacement, his lardy and doughly little lad, Kim Jong Un, who indeed fits the title of “Supreme Commander”…of donuts.

Back here, our own version of the Supreme Commander of donuts, lechon, and ice cream refused to attend the senate investigations after being accused of selling second-hand choppers to the PNP. A more curious sight than King Jong Un’s double chin is the former First Gentleman pleading for public sympathy. And the words “Palparan”and “WANTED” in the same headline.

PACQUIAO-MARQUEZ PART 3. And eventually, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, all the way up to 56 when both are wrinkly and more bloated.  Though, the real winner, by unanimous decision and still the undisputed Mrs. Pacquiao…Jinkee. But the poor woman after being haunted by rumors of her husband’s habitual infidelity, now stands accused of this question after appearing impossibly beautiful on a magazine cover: “Salamat, doc o salamat, Photoshop?”

KC-PIOLO. That tearful interview on The Buzz needed no subtitles.  To use the words of a Zen master,  it said nothing and everything at the same time. Oh, and by the way, last year, the world said goodbye to the Czech Republic’s favorite dissident and leader Vaclav Havel. I looooove his name.  “Havel.” Sounds like “havey.” “Vaclav.” Sounds like…. “Baklava” Who wants dessert?

GMA AT THE AIRPORT. GMA in the hospital. GMA in Robocop’s-style neck brace. GMA and that annoying now of testicular fame. GMA. Period.

Words and Phrases a Real Man Must Never Use Part 2

As we have written in a previous post, the spirit of the manly man is under siege from all sides. It is under assault from an alarming wave of health consciousness, emotional sensitivity, and renewed appreciation for the “finer” things in life. Dark forces in the universe have conspired to transform red-blooded, steak-chomping, unwashed, beer-swilling potbellied males into helplessly delicate doilies. Here are some terms that must be erased from the manly man’s vocabulary:

“ORGANIC” — Remember: The soil is the domain of rich, New Age-types. The hideous factory operated by evil multinationals is where the manly man derives his nourishment; MSG and preservatives are on top of his daily nutritional requirements. The proper synonym for “organic” is “fucking expensive.” The only time the manly man should be using the word “organic” is when referring to drugs.

“LOW”- ANYTHING— “Low-fat,” “low-sodium, “low-calorie,” “low-sugar,” etc. All products containing such ghastly labels contribute to a dishonorable age where all you do is drool and whine to the nurse about your unchanged diaper. Also interchangeable with any deceitful phrase ending in…

“-FREE”— i.e. “cruelty-free,” “guilt-free,” “lactose-free,” “caffeine-free.” How about freeing yourself from all this silliness?

“BULLY”— More often than not used by the bullied and not the bully. No bully ever refers to himself as a “bully.” But such is life. The school ground is a microcosm of the animal kingdom. There’s the hunter and there’s the hunted. Through evolution, animals learn to protect themselves from predators, thus developing natural defense mechanisms. The bullied should stand up for himself by stabbing the bully in the neck with a fork (The Columbine Massacre, on the other hand, is taking things too far). Calling on Mommy and Daddy for backup eventually does more subliminal damage to the kid’s sense of self-worth.

There are unverified studies announcing that bullying eventually results in criminal behavior, alcoholism, drug use and similarly erratic behavior—on the part of the bullied. What a load of crap. Most of the bullies I knew back in school are now in jail or rehab, if not confined to shitty jobs. Sometimes life has a way of balancing out things. Geeks get bullied, but they eventually grow up to be titans of industry or Silicon Valley barons. The fate of bullies? Well, they can be overworked and underpaid security guards of the office building of some remote branch.

“PERSONAL TRAINER”— A natural extension of such unmanly phrases as “abdominal exercise,” “Healthy Options,”  “aw shucks,” and “scarf.” Enrolling in a gym is one thing, but paying extra for someone to motivate you is another. How about taking it easy on those cheeseburgers and those choco-strawberry sundaes?

“FRO-YO”— Yogurt is about as masculine as Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud.” Yogurt swerved in swirls and embellished with candied fruits, nuts, caramel syrup, and, the most absurdly ironic topping of all, muesli (as if it could add more years to your life) is the dessert equivalent of a Richard Simmons workout video. Bonus: “MILK TEA”

‘THE NOTEBOOK”— The ultimate chick flick by way of existentialist sap. The element of “death” appears to lend a sense of gravity in this book-slash-movie. Shame on any guy who shed copious tears over this melodrama (thankfully unwatched by me; and basing on the stories, I have no plans of buying the DVD). If you really want genuine emotional catharsis, go see Marley and Me. Neil Young said, “Only love can break your heart.” He forgot to say dying dogs.

Words and Phrases a Real Man Must Never Use Part 2

Lourd de Veyra | Published: Sep 28, 2011 - 10:35am

As we have written in a previous post, the spirit of the manly man is under siege from all sides. It is under assault from an alarming wave of health consciousness, emotional sensitivity, and renewed appreciation for the “finer” things in life. Dark forces in the universe have conspired to transform red-blooded, steak-chomping, unwashed, beer-swilling potbellied males into helplessly delicate doilies. Here are some terms that must be erased from the manly man’s vocabulary:

“ORGANIC” — Remember: The soil is the domain of rich, New Age-types. The hideous factory operated by evil multinationals is where the manly man derives his nourishment; MSG and preservatives are on top of his daily nutritional requirements. The proper synonym for “organic” is “fucking expensive.” The only time the manly man should be using the word “organic” is when referring to drugs.

“LOW”- ANYTHING— “Low-fat,” “low-sodium, “low-calorie,” “low-sugar,” etc. All products containing such ghastly labels contribute to a dishonorable age where all you do is drool and whine to the nurse about your unchanged diaper. Also interchangeable with any deceitful phrase ending in…

“-FREE”— i.e. “cruelty-free,” “guilt-free,” “lactose-free,” “caffeine-free.” How about freeing yourself from all this silliness?

“BULLY”— More often than not used by the bullied and not the bully. No bully ever refers to himself as a “bully.” But such is life. The school ground is a microcosm of the animal kingdom. There’s the hunter and there’s the hunted. Through evolution, animals learn to protect themselves from predators, thus developing natural defense mechanisms. The bullied should stand up for himself by stabbing the bully in the neck with a fork (The Columbine Massacre, on the other hand, is taking things too far). Calling on Mommy and Daddy for backup eventually does more subliminal damage to the kid’s sense of self-worth.

There are unverified studies announcing that bullying eventually results in criminal behavior, alcoholism, drug use and similarly erratic behavior—on the part of the bullied. What a load of crap. Most of the bullies I knew back in school are now in jail or rehab, if not confined to shitty jobs. Sometimes life has a way of balancing out things. Geeks get bullied, but they eventually grow up to be titans of industry or Silicon Valley barons. The fate of bullies? Well, they can be overworked and underpaid security guards of the office building of some remote branch.

“PERSONAL TRAINER”— A natural extension of such unmanly phrases as “abdominal exercise,” “Healthy Options,”  “aw shucks,” and “scarf.” Enrolling in a gym is one thing, but paying extra for someone to motivate you is another. How about taking it easy on those cheeseburgers and those choco-strawberry sundaes?

“FRO-YO”— Yogurt is about as masculine as Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud.” Yogurt swerved in swirls and embellished with candied fruits, nuts, caramel syrup, and, the most absurdly ironic topping of all, muesli (as if it could add more years to your life) is the dessert equivalent of a Richard Simmons workout video. Bonus: “MILK TEA”

‘THE NOTEBOOK”— The ultimate chick flick by way of existentialist sap. The element of “death” appears to lend a sense of gravity in this book-slash-movie. Shame on any guy who shed copious tears over this melodrama (thankfully unwatched by me; and basing on the stories, I have no plans of buying the DVD). If you really want genuine emotional catharsis, go see Marley and Me. Neil Young said, “Only love can break your heart.” He forgot to say dying dogs.

Ipako sa Krus Si Mideo Cruz!

Nakatrabaho ko na si Mideo Cruz dati. Sa isang performance art festival. Sabihin na lang natin na ang pagiging “subtle” ay wala sa mga katangian ng kanyang estetika. Actually, karamihan sa mga nagperform doon ay hindi matatawag na kimi at mahinhin. May nag-ahit ng bulbol. “No to Bush!” sigaw niya pagkatapos. Wala naman silang narinig na umangal na kinatawan ng US Embassy. May isang Eastern European na inuuntog lang ang noo sa pader nang mahigit 20 minutes hanggang may isang linya ng dugo na gumagapang pababa. May Hapon na hinampas ang sariling noo ng makapal na salamin at may sinulat na Japanese characters na hindi ko naintindihan. May mga nag-ingay gamit ang mga mixer/laptop na pinasakan ng kung ano-anong tunog na kinuha ata mula sa pinakamalapit na construction site at rumaragasang imburnal.

Sabihin na lang natin na ang personalidad ni Mideo ay malayo-layo naman sa imaheng Satanista o kampon ng impiyerno na ibinabato sa kanya ng mga senador. Hindi niya naman ako sinaksak ng burat na inukit mula sa matigas na molave. Wala naman siyang sinakripisyong sanggol habang tinatawag ang pangalan ni Lucifer.

Doon sa naturang performance art festival, si Mideo pa nga ang isa sa pinaka-subtle noon. “Subtle” meaning hindi siya nag-ahit ng bulbol. Isang statement laban sa imperyalisong kano ang kanyang ginawa. May dala siyang megaphone (nakalimutan ko na kung ano ang sinasabi niya). Nagbo-blow siya ng bubbles gamit ang pambatang laruan. Suot niya ay Uncle Sam costume pero may twist—naka-cycling shorts lang siya na may stars and stripes (At pag nakita mo ang katawan ni Mideo, ‘yun ata ang pina-shocking sa lahat.).  Ang performance niya ay isang gumagalaw na simbolo para sa “American Dream” na yun nga—panaginip lang na parang bula, huwad, isang ilusyon na walang laman.

Maaring i-apply ang metaporang ito sa kanyang exhibit na “Poleteismo” na ngayon ay isa na lamang alaala matapos ipasara ng management ng CCP. Alam na siguro natin ang mga nangyari. Pero madaming tanong at argumento. Isa-isahin natin.

ARGUMENTO: Paano kung may kumuha ng picture ng magulang mo at biglang sinalpakan ng kahoy na titi at mga gamit na condom?

Siyempre, maba-bad trip din ako. Sasapakin ko yung gumawa n’un. Pero, importante bang alamin ko muna ang motibo niya? Bakit ba niya ginawa yun? May ginawa ba ako sa kanya? Ninakawan ko ba siya? Ni-rape ko ba ang utol niyang babae at pinakain ng betsin ang aso niyang pinakamamahal? Sinunog ko ba ang nanay niya at nilapastangan ang tatay niya a la Deliverance? Hindi siguro. Pero ano ba kaya ang pakay niya? Ganoon na lang ba kalaki ang galit niya sa Katolisismo? Bakit kaya?

Kung tunay ngang siya’y wala sa tamang pag-iisip, eh bakit pa papatulan ang baliw?

ARGUMENTO: Ang Cultural Center of the Philippines ay isang pampublikong institusyon na pinopondohan ng buwis ng taumbayan. At hindi dapat ginagamit para sa kung ano-anong kabulastugan na tutuligsa sa pinakasagradong sentimiyento ng mga tao.

Oo. Pero bakit walang umangal noong pinalabas ang isang Spanish film na pinakita na ang isang babaeng obviously ay kumakatawan sa Birheng Maria na nakikipagtalik sa makalaglag-panty na si Gael Garcia Bernal? Bakit walang umangal noong si Jojo Legaspi ay naglagay ng mga rosary sa urinal? (Sa Penguin Café nga lang na hindi pinopondohan ng taumbayan).

ARGUMENTO: Ang naturang pambabastos ba ay magpapabagsak sa matatag na institusyon ng Iglesia Katolika?

Ang kasaysayan ay punumpuno ng mga erehe at atheista na ngayon ay kinain na ng lupa. Mula kay Martin Luther hanggang kay Mao hanggang sa philosopher na si Bertrand Russel hanggang kay  John Lennon na hindi lang nagsabing “We’re bigger than Jesus” (Sinunog ng mga relihiyoso ang mga plaka ng Beatles noon) ngunit kumanta pa ng “I don’t believe in Jesus” sa kanyang piyesang “God” (“I just believe…. In me…”) hanggang kay sa Briton na manunulat na si Christopher Hitchens na nagsulat ng librong God is Not Great.  Ngayon may kanser na si Hitchens. Kung ano ang magiging kapalaran ng kalusugan ni Mideo Cruz, eh Diyos na lang ang bahala sa kanya.

ARGUMENTO: Kalayaan ng pamamahayag vs. tahasang pambabastos sa paniniwala ng mas nakakarami?

Madugo talaga pag nag-krus ang landas ng sining at relihiyon. Manipis lang ang linyang humihiwa sa teritoryo ng freedom of speech at respeto sa pananampalataya. Masakit sa ulong pag-usapan ito. Sinabi dati ni Marx na ang relihiyon ay ang “opium of the masses.” Sa kasong ng “Kulo” exhibit, hindi yata angkop ang drogang opium. Mas okey pa sigurong reference ang shabu. Dahil ang pagtira ng opium ay nagreresulta sa pagtunganga (Masdan ang mga larawan ng mga Chinese na bangag na bangag sa opium; nakahilata lang sila). Pero hindi pa naiimbento ang metamphetamine hydrochloride noong panahon ni Marx—1910 lang ito na-synthesize ng mga Hapon.

Kung totoong meron Diyos na may hustisya at poot (a.k.a ang Diyos ng Old Testament na super-pikon), eh di… ulitin natin: Diyos na lang ang bahala kay Mideo Cruz. Hayaan na lang natin siyang tamaan ng kidlatan, kainin ng bumubukang lupa, tamaan ng kulugo sa buong katawan.

ARGUMENTO: Hindi puputok ang kontrobersyang ito kung hindi pinalaki ng media.

Hinding-hindi. Kinalkal lang nang kinalkal ng isang programa sa isang network kaya umingay ang isyung ito. Tingin niyo ba ay regular na pumupunta ng CCP ang mga ngawngaw nang ngawngaw na mga relihiyosong rallyista? Parang mga asong ulol na galit na galit ang mga rallyistang ito.

Pero pansinin ang profile ng mga nagpo-protesta. Karamihan ay mga may edad. Bihira kang makakita ng mga kabataang umaatungal. Ang tanong: generational issue ba ito? Hudyat na ba ito ng pagkakahati-hati ng opinyon ng luma at makabagong henerasyon?

ARGUMENTO: Kelangan pa ba ng senate investigation para sa isyung ito?

Andaming problema ng Pilipinas. Sarado na ang exhibit. Nagbitiw na sa puwesto ang curator. Nagpaliwanag na ang mga opisyal ng CCP. “Sining” lang yan. Walang installation art, walang tula, walang nobela, wala play, walang pelikulang nakapagpapigil sa massacre ng milyong-milyong tao sa kasaysayan ng mundo. Hindi sinagip ng We Are the World at Do They Know It’s Christmas ang milyon-milyong nagugutom na bata sa Africa. Hindi mga akda ni Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Akhmatova ang nagpabagsak sa Komunistang rehimen ng Soviet Union. Levi’s, Coca Cola, at McDonald’s ang may gawa nun.

ARGUMENTO: Censorship ba ang nangyari sa exhibit sa CCP?

Malamang. ‘Yun, o takot lang (sa parte ng mga opisyal ng institusyon). O para iwas-hassle na lang. Hindi ba okey na yun? Bakit bumubula pa rin ang bibig ng mga tao?

ARGUMENTO: Is it good art or bad art?

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ako kritiko ng sining. At bukod sa lahat, hindi sapat na makita ko lang ang exhibit sa mga footage sa telebisyon. Ang isang installation ay isang pisikal na experience. Kaya nga siya installation at hindi simpleng painting o larawan.

Sa isang senate hearing, tinawag ni National Artist for Literature na si F. Sionil Jose na “immature” daw ang gawa ni Cruz. Kilala ko si Manong Frankie (“Manong?” Close kami, eh. Lagi niya akong nilalasing sa itaas ng Solidaridad bookshop). Hinding-hindi mo siyang matatawag na  “prude” o konserbatibo. Tamod pa lang ang tatay mo, nakapag-eksperimento na siya ng LSD sa UC Berkley at humithit ng opium sa Thailand. At hindi ko na tinatanong kung paano niya ginawa ang pananaliksik para sa kanyang nobelang Ermita. Hindi ko napanood ang kabuohan ng senate investigation pero ang tiyak lang ay ang kanyang opinion sa gawa mula sa puto de vista ng pormalistang kritisismo. Walang kinalaman sa mensahe ni Cruz ang sinabi si Jose kundi sa estilo at pagkagawa.

ARGUMENTO: Subukan niya kayang gawin ‘yan sa mga Muslim, kay Mohammed at Allah? Tingnan natin kung hindi siya pugutan ng ulo.

Bawal ang mga imahe at lahat ng representasyon ng mga buhay na bagay sa Islam. Pansinin ang mga drawings sa Islamic art—puro patterns at kulay lang. Kahit ibon o bubuyog, wala kang makikita. Lalo na imahe ng tao. Therefore, walang imahe si Allah at ang kanyang propetang si Mohammed.  Pero, tingnan na lang natin ang nangyari kay sa British-Indian na nobelistang si Salman Rushdie na pinatawan ni Ayatollah Khomeini noon ng fatwa para sa kanyang Satanic Verses. At ang pag-alburoto ng mga Muslim laban sa isang Danish na cartoonist na hindi kaayaaya ang pag-drawing kay Mohammed sa isang editorial cartoon. Pagdating sa ganyang mga bagay, walang sense of humor ang mga radikal na Muslim.

ARGUMENTO: Akala ko ba ang Kristiyanismo ay isang relihiyon ng pagpapatawad at pag-unawa?

Kala ko rin eh.

ARGUMENTO: Bakit hindi tayo ganito kabangis mag-react sa ibang bagay? Gaya ng mabagal na pag-usad ng Ampatuan Massacre trial? Gaya ng mga patong-patong na kaso ni GMA at asawa niya? Gaya ng sunod-sunod na nauungkat na kabulastugan sa PAGCOR?

Kala ko rin eh. Kala ko ba: “Pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay?”  

Saka hindi lang ‘yun. Teka muna. Let us put things in perspective, ika nga. Hindi kaya dapat i-ayon natin ang init ng galit natin? Ang installation ba ni Cruz ay nagresulta sa pag-massacre ng 57 tao sa Maguindanao? Hindi. Ang likha ba ni Cruz ay naging sanhi ng kahirapan ng milyong-milyong kabataan? Ng pag-demolish ng tahanan ng libo-libong iskwater na pamilya? Ang sining ba ni Cruz ay kasing lebel ng mga torture at enforced disappearances na ginawa umano ng mga militar? Bakit hindi tayo ganito mag-react sa mga tulad nila Gen. Palparan?  Bakit hindi ganito ang antas ng galit natin pag may estudyanteng aktibistang biglang nawawala? Ang isang kahoy na titi sa noo ng isang imahen ay hindi gugutom at papatay sa mga batang iskwater. Mas malala ba ang “blasphemous” na sining kesa sa mga tarantandong politikong nagnanakaw ng pera mo?

Bakit? Kasi ordinaryo na lang ang ganitong balita? Ordinaryo na lang na may bagong kaso ang mag-asawang Arroyo? Pangkaraniwan na lang ang mga report ng korapsyon at  nakakabato na? Bakit, ano ba ang politika sa Pilipinas? Telenovela na paulit-ulit na lang ang conflict na pinagsasawaan natin? Wala bang direktang kinalaman sa buhay natin ang nalulustay na buwis na binabayad natin mula sa perang pinagpawisan natin?  

Bakit ba mas nagre-react tayo sa nakikinita nating Satanismo? Kung ganoon din lang, eh mukhang marami-rami ang kailangang puntiryahin ng mga sarado Katolikong panatiko. Unahin nila ang mga death metal bands sa Marikina (kung buhay pa sila at hindi pa tuluyang nilalamon ng lupa). Unahin nila ang mga nauusong bampi-bampira na nag-ugat sa pinaka-demonyong akda sa kanilang lahat: Twilight.  Kung tutuusin, ang kahoy na titi ay walang masamang gagawin sa ‘yo. Pero ang bampira, siguradong sipsipin ang dugo mo.

The 13 Best Quotes by the Joker in the Dark Night. - Heath Ledger

With many so-so sequels and prequels hitting theaters this summer, its a good time to remember the mother of all superhero/action sequels The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger’s performance as The Joker will live on forever as one of the greatest characters in cinema history. Below is a collection of the 13 best quotes (or in some cases memorable dialogue) by The Joker in The Dark Knight. I doubt we are missing much, but feel free to offer your two cents on the ranking.

13. I believe whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you…stranger.

12. All right. So, listen. Why don’t you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here’s my card.

11. Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn’t let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren’t you? Huh? You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won’t kill you because you’re just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.

10 . Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

9. Batman: Then why do you want to kill me?
Joker: I don’t want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You… you… complete me.
Batman: You’re garbage who kills for money.
Joker: Don’t talk like one of them. You’re not! Even if you’d like to be. To them, you’re just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don’t, they’ll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the world allows them to be. I’ll show you. When the chips are down, these… these civilized people, they’ll eat each other. See, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.

8. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I’m gonna give it to them.

7. Joker: If you’re good at something, never do it for free.

6. Batman: Let her go!
Joker: [holding Rachel out of a window] Very poor choice of words…

5. Joker: [to Gambol’s thugs, being held helpless by his own] Now, our operation is small, but there’s a lot of potential for “aggressive” expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there’s only one spot open right now, so we’re gonna have…Tryouts. Make it fast.

4. How about a magic trick? I’m gonna make this pencil disappear. Ta-daa! It’s… it’s gone.

3. Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just… do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon’s got plans. You know, they’re schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. I’m not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So, when I say… Ah, come here.
When I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know that I’m telling the truth. It’s the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know… You know what I’ve noticed? Nobody panics when things go “according to plan.” Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all “part of the plan.” But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair!

2. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight’s entertainment! Well, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got ‘em? Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife, beautiful, like you, who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks… Look at me! One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can’t take it. I just want to see her smile again, hm? I just want her to know that I don’t care about the scars. So… I stick a razor in my mouth and do this…to myself. And you know what? She can’t stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling! A little fight in you. I like that. Batman: Then you’re going to love me.

1. [holding a knife inside Gambol’s mouth] Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was… a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not-one-bit. So – me watching – he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, “why so serious, son?” Comes at me with the knife… “Why so serious?” He sticks the blade in my mouth… “Let’s put a smile on that face!” And…Why so serious?

On the Poetry of Jose F. Lacaba

“Lahat ng hindi ko kailangang malaman,

natutunan ko sa pelikulang For Adults Only”

Marumi and pulitiko, pero malinis ang budhi

ng puta.

Ipokrito ang pari, pero may ginintuang puso

ang puta.

Nagpapaaral ng kapatid na magpapari

ang puta.

Namumutiktik sa putang ina at anak ng puta ang malaswang bibig

ng puta.

Nalululong sa droga ang anak

ng puta.

Ayaw ng putang ina na ang anak niyang babae’y masadlak

sa pagpuputa.

Ang unang tikim sa luto ng Diyos ay ipinapatikim

ng puta.

Bukas ang simbahan kahit madaling-araw tuwing magdadasal

ang puta.

Nagbubulungan ang mga manang na nakakasalubong

ng puta.

Ginahasa ng tiyuhin ang puta kaya siya

nagputa.

Tulak ng kahirapan kung kaya nagputa

ang puta.

Hindi nagpapahalik sa labi

ang puta.

Kapwa puta ang mga kabarkada

ng puta.

Magandang lalaki ang nag-aalay ng tapat na pag-ibig

sa puta.

Masungit na ina ng magandang lalaki ang nag-aalok ng pera

para lumayo

ang puta.

Kung binabaril ang bidang lalaki, yumayakap at tinatamaan

ang puta.

Tanging kamatayan ang tutubos at magpapatawad sa kaputahan

ng puta.

Sigaw ng puta: Pare-pareho naman tayong

puta!